Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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