ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
