Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
