i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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