at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
