I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize