ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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