3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
