The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
