Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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