My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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