I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
