hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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