You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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