matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
