she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize