Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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