Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
