Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize