could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
