I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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