I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
