oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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