mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
