I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
