Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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