Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
