He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
