I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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