so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
