all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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