Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
