there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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