Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
