I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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