What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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