This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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