the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
