i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
