My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
