I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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