I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
