I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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