Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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