he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So vagazzling was a success
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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