hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
As shirtless as possible
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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