i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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