Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
