Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
