I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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