Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
