chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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