Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
