I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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