You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
