i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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