Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
