The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
