Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
