The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
