Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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