3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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