it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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