Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
