just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
